When you sacrifice food for high-speed internet, something is wrong with you

Predator, Predator, Predator. I seriously don't understand her. I'm actually glad that I don't because if I did something would seriously be wrong with me. She is a complete..... weirdo for lack of a better adjective. She is the strangest person I have ever met, seriously. I've even included those wandering bums, various mental patients and anyone else who I've ever seen arguing with themselves, randomly attacking innocent bystanders, or even happily defecating on a public sidewalk at 12:00 noon. I can't for the life of me understand how she's avoided living in an alley fishing in a dumpster for food. She's a germaphobe, she won't touch public door handles without a paper towel, but if she drops a piece of food on the floor she will pick it up and eat it. Apparently mouth germs aren't as bad as hand germs. Go figure. She actually inspired the title of this blog, it's the absolute truth she prefers cable TV and high speed internet to food!!!!!


Predator has caviar taste with clearance bin chicken of the sea money. No, a better analogy is Maybach taste, when she can barely afford to buy her bus pass from month to month. It's that serious. It takes a paycheck and a half to pay her rent. She barely has any money left over for the month after rent and utilities, cable/internet bill, NetFlix, and an obvious addiction to computer hardware. Food is not in that equation at all you may notice. She went to the grocery store one weekend and spent all of her money on cleaning supplies. Not food. You may recall that she is the same person who is trying to get a 51in T.V. She bought an expensive MP3 player when she got a bonus at work. The MP3 player was roughly $220. But, the ear phones that came with it did not fit in her ears appropriately so she ordered $70 noise canceling headphones. Then the ear pads on the head phones juuuuust weren't good enough, they didn't fit snug enough, so she ordered special disposable ear pads that are $25 for two pair. So, when all of this was finally to her satisfaction, she had to stop listening to the damn thing because she has an ear infection. She's had the ear infection for more than a month but won't go to the doctor. Predator is so broke that she did not turn on her heat during the winter because she couldn't afford the heating bill so, it baffles me how she had no qualms whatsoever about spending roughly three hundred and fifteen dollars on an MP3 player and its accessories. It was so cold in her apartment that she had to sleep in her winter gloves and hat. Warmth apparently takes a back seat to carrying around your own personal juke-box. So does hunger. Go figure.


I could go on forever about what a lunatic she is, but I'll try to cut it short and get to the high-speed internet thing. That actually came up in a conversation four of us were having at work. She was starving, as usual. We could actually hear her stomach growling. She had absolutely no food at home, and didn't have enough money to buy something to eat until we got paid. She made a comment about her cable bill being well over a hundred dollars with the high-speed internet and she didn't have any money because she had just paid it. Got Some made the ridiculous suggestion to get rid of either the internet, or the cable to cut her costs down. "BLASPHEMY!!!!!! GET RID OF CABLE OR HIGH SPEED INTERNET. Is it possible to live without either of them?" She was absolutely incredulous. We tried to calm Predator down by amending the suggestion; instead of getting rid of one of them switch to a less expensive internet service or cable service. "What?????? Comcast has the guide, what's the use of having cable without the guide?" I can't set reminders, or see what's coming on later in the week, or search for movies, what about ON Demand?" Not an option apparently. Silence followed her outburst. "Honestly Predator", I ask, "is cable and high speed internet really that important??" To which she replied, "I would starve, before I got rid of my cable and internet." She obviously wasn't lying because she was starving during that very conversation. I'll stop right there.

That conversation was months ago, and nothing has changed. Predator is still starving, her cable and internet are still going strong, and she doesn't think anything is wrong with her situation. She's met someone however, and when they go out to eat, she stuffs her purse with biscuits or anything she can sneak out so she will have something to eat later. When asked why she replied, "Oh I needed to buy a new color printer, it's the perfect color, and looks so nice sitting next to my new scanner, I didn't have enough money to get something to eat." It's really so sad and senseless. The girl is hungry every single day, when she does get to eat she looks like a barbarian, utensils aren't necessary as she barely chews. She actually ate the crumbs out of an empty birthday cake box that someone was about to throw away after an office party. I just shake my head and let her be, I just don't get it. Hunger in exchange for cable and internet . . . is there really anything left for me to say?

Ok, we get it, you're having sex

It's easy to tell when a woman who's been through a sexual drought starts screwing again. How you ask. Maybe you should check out the t-shirt, the hat, the article she took out in the paper, maybe even the exaggerated gap legged walk. Yes ladies and gentlemen, when a woman has been through a sexual drought and gets some, she brags. Not only does she brag, she gloats, she practically freakin glows with self satisfaction. Every conversation "suddenly" contains hilarious sexual undertones.

Seriously, every conversation can in some way be directed toward her letting everyone know she got some. Here's an example,

me :"Did you know that Walgreen's has ice-cream on sale this week?"
Got Some: "Yeah, that'll be mighty good for eating,licking, sucking...."
Conversation trails off with giddy vulgar laughter
Here's another example

me: "Damn I'm tired this morning."
Got some: "We ain't gon talk about why I'm tired this morning"
Ha Ha Ha. Looking around for someone to slap five


We're happy for her at first. Everyone is entitled to getting some ass. We laugh at the jokes, that aren't actually that funny, and hope she keeps getting tossed up. Unfortunately, that happiness very quickly turns to annoyance. Day after day we hear some variation of the same tired jokes. We get tired of her talking so loudly about Kevin, Brian, or who ever. We listen to the endless discussions about crotchless panties and massage oil.

Damn, you haven't split the atom, fed every hungry person on this planet, cured AIDS, and then won the lottery. You had sex. Which is actually not that special. Calm the fuck down. It should be enough that you're happy for yourself, do you seriously need the affirmation of the masses? If it's that damn serious make sure to keep a "friend" on the side that meets those sexual needs. If you can't find one, get a good vibrator. If neither of those options are the one for you, then just shut the fuck up at work at least. Save the sex shit for your own time. Talk to someone who isn't getting some and is therefore in awe of the fact that you are. If that makes you feel good, then maybe you need to find someone else to rock your world. The sex should make you feel good enough. You shouldn't need a bunch of women oohing and ahhing at work to be the icing on the cake.

I can't stand hypocritical situational hoes

People have really been getting on my damn nerves lately. It's mostly my fault because I really shouldn't care about what other people do, or how they act. I really don't care, but sometimes I get irked by other people's behavior. The latest root of my ire are the hypocritical situational hoes. What are those you ask. Situational hoes are the hoes that hoe themselves out depending on the situation. These hoes are different from gold diggers. Gold diggers screw for what they can get. It's real cut and dry. You have money, I need money and like nice things that I can't afford soooo I'll have sex with you to get your money. Situational hoes are the chicks that hoe themselves out in "times of need" i.e they need a new couch, or they need the brakes fixed on their car, or they need rent money.

My main problem with this behavior is the fact that the situational hoes look down on gold diggers. Can you believe that? At least gold diggers are honest. A gold digger will admit she's a hoe with expensive taste, or even a hoe with kids to feed. Situational hoes like to act like they aren't hoes. Well, I'm here to tell you that if you mess around with a guy for a TV, you're a hoe. If you lead a guy on and date him for a while just to get a few free meals, you're a hoe. If you "find a friend" to "lend" you (wink wink) money for the security deposit for your apartment, you're a hoe. YOU ARE A HOE!!! Situational hoes take comfort in the fact that they only hoe themselves out for things that are on a large scale . . .like a 51in TV. A big TV is more justification for ho'ing than a purse.

This is not something I'm making up. Predator at my job is a situational hoe. She looks down on another one of our co-workers who juices a guy for what seems like an endless stream of cell phones. She has actually stated, "I would never do something like that." She has dubbed the other co-worker a skank. I agree the girl is a skank, but it irritates me that Predator tries to act better than her. She recently expressed a desire to buy a 51in TV that she seriously can't afford. When I asked her how she was going to pay for something like that her reply was; "Girrrrrl I guess I'll have to find a friend." So, I say to ALL you situational hoes out there stop acting like you're better than gold diggers because at least they have the guts to be honest!

My co-worker looks like predator

Out of necessity, one of my co-workers got her hair cut. Her hair died a very painful over-processed, split-end death. Scalp irritation, and the pleas of a dermatologist, prompted her to put her hair out of its misery. This decision was painful for her, hey, you know black women like to hold on to their hair length at all costs. After a few months and a few layers of skin from her scalp, she finally cut it. This is where everything started to go wrong. First, I must preface this by saying she's one of those people that doesn't believe in going to a beautician because it costs to much money. She seriously won't go for anything. She relaxes her own hair and cuts her own hair. This wouldn't be a problem if she did a good job. She doesn't. Hence the scalp issues, and the hair cut.

So, let's fast forward to the hair cut. She couldn't relax her hair for three months, so having a plan would have helped. She didn't have one, and came back to work with a mess. She decided on a hair cut that combined with her hair texture was a disaster. When your hair is super nappy, a very short cut requires you to use extra strength relaxer and be very diligent about hair appointments. Do you see the problem already? I sure did. The cut: a short, tapered in the back, almost spikey creation that some poor beautician must have cried about later. When something starts out wrong, it's less than likely it will work itself out. This was true to that.

Instead of silently criticizing this disaster, I offered to help. I personally have a bit of an obsession with hair products, and hair styles. You name the product I can tell you all about it. I also can tell you the best conditioner, shampoo, relaxer, and anything else by brand. I can even customize a collection of hair products for a person based on hair type. No, I've never desired to be a hair dresser, I'm just really in to hair care (I won't mention that I posses the same skills when it comes to make-up, and skin care products... I'm thinking of starting a service). I offered some carefully delivered advice. I suggested that she try a hair balm or wax to give her hair some structure and go for the spikey hair look. With the shape of her face, it would have looked very cute. She tried to take my advice, at first. Then frustration, combined with I'm sure a bit of disinterest took over, and she just let the napps take over. It wasn't a pretty sight let me tell you. A daily mess. I know quite a few of our co-workers laughed at her, and I don't blame them.

After toiling away at that disaster, which must have been exhausting, she was inspired by one of our co-workers to try a wig. Hey, considering what she was working with, I assumed anything would help her head. Alas, I was wrong. I walked in to work one Monday, and predator was sitting at her desk. I'm not kidding, she looked just like predator! In fact it was predator with dirty hair! She had purchased a fall wig (the kind that you are supposed to comb the front of your hair over) that clearly cost 50 cents, and nearly fell to her waist. I'm not exaggerating. It looked God-awful. She had attempted to corn-row the front of her hair, and attach the mop where the corn rows stopped. Just awful. I was careful not to lie and tell her it was cute, but I did comment in a positive tone of voice, "Girrrrl, look at you!" I made sure I was smiling and giving proper attention to the mess, because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.

What shocked me more than the hair disaster was how many people told her it looked GOOD! People actually told her "the tacky dirty predator" was a cute style. They were clearly lying right? I hope to God they were, because I'm actually more comfortable with thinking people are lying to be nice, and don't actually think that something that resembles an over used mop sitting on someone's head is cute.